


I'm Only A Broken Doll

by Terri



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, F/M, Gang Rape, Human Experimentation, Humanstuck, M/M, Psychic Abilities
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-23
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-26 16:32:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/652239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terri/pseuds/Terri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aradia pledges to win. To win against the betrayal, the deceit, the false love, against her prison of the mental institution that isn't quite what they say they are, and against the shackles of her broken soul. But it's hard to do that when you're body won't move and you're stuck with an incredibly strong (and sweaty) workaholic for your last hope at living.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Talk With Sweaty

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt at Aradia/Equius! I love the idea of them in a less hostile way as they are (were?) in canon. I also love my patron! Hopefully you'll enjoy this as much as I loved the idea of a dependent!Aradia. The first chapter is pretty short, but the second won't. Please feel free to comment and tell me if I write anything wrong or offensive!! Thanks for reading!

My last dose hasn't even worn off when the man comes in, carrying a tray of dry as dirt crackers, a glass of water that always tastes mysteriously like oil, and the pills. The little maroon pills that dull everything. The pills that took away the color in the world. The pills that make me feel dead inside. I don't do him the favor of getting up out of bed, even though we both know that'd be near to impossible for me to do, all I do is throw him what I guess would be a lazy stare. My mind can work perfectly, I know what's really going on. It's the drugs that make me as mobile as a newborn. Not my deteriorating mind, as they tell me.

This man is the one who's usually in charge of my daily routines. He's pretty young, and it's become a game to think about why someone maybe a year or two, older than me ended up working in this corrupted place. His long black hair slides over his muscle packed shoulder, and curtains in front of his face as he struggles to open the bottle. He always does this. He's not struggling to open it because the lid is on too tight, but because he usually breaks the bottle and ends up chasing after rolling pills everywhere. It would almost be funny, if not endearing, if it wasn't for the fact that he was drugging me. 

Of course, despite his gentle oncomings to the bottle, it breaks. The snap of the crushed bottle slices the air, giving me a familiar feeling I can't place. He mumbles his usual 'fiddlesticks' and pushes his long ebony hair behind his ear as he glances back at me before bending down to pick up the orange splinters and red pills. His uneasy grin made me feel bad, bad enough that my body actually got the message and decided to help the bumbling fool. I slipped from the sheets and shakily attempted to picked up a few orange pieces. 

The feeling that this body's actions weren't mine made me sick. Despite knowing that I can't respond, he gives me a surprised thanks. In return, I look at him as he gaped at me before putting the remains of the bottle and pills on the tray. He grabs the glass if water, shaking as usual, and sits on the bed beside my sack of flesh. This numb, unfeeling carcass of mine shifts as he sits on the bed. He steadies the glass on his thigh, and I wonder why he's taking so long. Not as though I have anything to do, but he's hesitating today. 

Then he quickly forgets whatever he was thinking about, grabs my four daily pills, pries my mouth open, drops them in and pours the warm water down my throat. Throughout the entire frenzy, I sit still and allow him to treat me like a doll. It's disgusting. Maybe he can see it too, and that's why he hesitated. He decides to elaborate on whatever his tiny mind has been struggling with. I get a feeling that our 'talk' will be different today.

"I don't like this job. However, it has very good pay, and I'm forced to work here. My superiors are changing things, and even though I'm out of my place, the things they want to change are cruel! I swore to keep my mouth closed, even though you can hardly say a word, and they believe that you cannot comprehend basic English anymore. But I know you do."

He pauses. His hands grip each other and his legs shake. He starts to sweat again, a habit I've grown used to. 

"I don't think I can do it. They want me to...to do something awful. I've never once disobeyed an authoritative figure in my entire life. Not once. Following orders, doing as I'm supposed to, being right, being good. That always gave me a prideful joy. But drugging living people until they're nothing but mindless bags of flesh? Helping in the experimentations on human beings and watching idly? What's there to be proud of, Aradia? I thought they were going to help humanity. I didn't know."

He puts his head in his hands. The surprisingly beautiful hands curve around his face, fingers entering in hair. And for the longest time I watch him cry rounds of heart wracking sobs. I feel sympathetic towards someone for the first time in years. The first time since I died from the inside.


	2. I Reminisce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I remember how things got started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, I lied. I want to keep the chapters short. Sorry

It's been only two years, since I walked in on my boyfriend and the beauty queen of our university. The worst part is, they were in my dorm room, on my bed.

Sollux Captor had been my childhood sweetheart since birth. We were the type that would play all day, and cry if we were separated. We'd grown up together in a small, sleepy town. When we came to the rite of passage of highschool, his parents moved him away to a big city. But we kept in touch, every single day. He'd email, or IM me on a laptop I had begged my mother for. During classes we'd text, and holidays were spent solely video-chatting with each other. Eventually, we grew to realize that we wanted to be a bit more than friends, although our friends and relatives already knew what we had just stumbled on.

Our first kiss was on a cold, starry night when he came to visit me during winter break our junior year. He had bought me a necklace with a tiny, black sheep ornament. I allowed him to clasp it around my neck, and when he pulled away, he took me by surprise and kissed me. Afraid that I would hit him, he flinched, but I pulled him close and hugged him. That night, I foolishly told him I loved him. He returned the phrase and kissed me again. I thought that night was perfect.

Sollux was smart, exceptionally smart. So when he told me what college he was shooting for, I slapped him. I was furious because he was lowering his standards. But I was slightly touched that he was doing it for me. It took me weeks to convince him that he should apply to the school he wanted, and that I would work hard to get in. It took me ignoring him for two weeks, which was spent studying, to convince him. Highschool came and went, and college entrance exams loomed near. Sollux was more worried than I was. However, when it came time to take the exam, I was beyond ready. Sollux was the only thing in my cheery head, so not getting in was impossible.

Our first time was when we found out I was accepted into the school with him. I called him at three in the morning, as soon as I had slept irregular and hadn't checked for it in my small apartment's mailbox. I had already moved out on a whim of self independence. He, of course, wasn't sleep, as he had become an insomniac over the years, and told me he'd be over. In ten minutes, he arrived at my door, with slightly wilted flowers, and a sloppy looking Walmart cake with 'Congrats' in red frosting. He was so excited, I was afraid he'd burst, and I let him in. I took the cake and flowers, putting the cake on a small kitchen table I'd bought at a yard sale, and the flowers in a cup of water. When I turned around to face me, he kissed me. In seconds we were in my bedroom, he pushed me down on my bed, and the rest was a blur of sweet pain, bliss, and moaned 'I love you's. 

When I walked in on them, I flew back to that late night as I watched them move in lust and need. I was shell shocked, but I guess I shouldn't have, for the most part. The swimming princess had been after him ever since we walked on campus.

She was a year older, so she was helping ushering in the freshmen as we brought our things to the dorms. Sollux and I were hand in hand as she approached us. She introduced herself as Feferi, and that for Sollux, she'd be around to help. Whenever he needed it. She looked straight through me however, until I jumped in her face. I guess a few mixed strings of English, French, Spanish, and Japanese was enough to set her running. I was fluent in all three languages, including my family's native tongue of Spanish. Sollux, a little thrown off by my unusual foul mood, patted my shoulder, and told me everything was fine. That she was probably just flirting because he was younger, that she'd leave. He was wrong. 

For about a year, she was everywhere, the bubbly princess of the entire campus. Most assumed they were dating, as she was always attached to him when I wasn't around, which was often due to our different majors. And after a while he stopped denying the rumors, whether exhausted by them, or accepting of them, I will never know. To everyone else, she was nice and friendly, and just the sweetest person. Of anything, people whispered how he wasn't good enough for her. To others, I was the weird girl who got too overly excited over bones and didn't flinch at the idea of death. I wasn't bubbly, once I was but not now. I wasn't friendly enough, or pretty enough. Just a weird girl who hung around 'her bohfriend' too much. 

One weekend, when I didn't have classes, I went home, and cried in my mother's arms. Apparently, that was the worst thing to do. Sollux never called or contacted me, and I thought it was over. When I returned he met up with me and we went our for a date. We got drunk, and ended up at a party of a friend of his. Someone he met through Feferi, I would find out later. Things started to look up for the two of us. Something was off, but I refused to admit it. I was just happy to have him back. But the sideways glances when I said I loved him, and the overindulgent gifts that he shouldn't have had the money for should have told me something.

One day, I returned to my dorm room after classes, hoping to get some sleep with my loud roommate gone. I realized that didn't have the key. But something at the back of my head told me to open the door. It was unlocked. And my room's door was open. Angry, and believing my roommate must have been snooping again, I walk to my door to catch her red handed.

Instead I would find my boyfriend and his arm candy, having sex on my bed. They weren't facing me, so hey couldn't see the rage, the horror, or the disgust my face. I only remember screaming, but it felt more like my body roared. Everything was red, and by the time my vision was clear, Sollux was against the far wall, and Feferi was in the opened closet. I wasn't scared, in fact, I giggled. I turned around and locked the door. I put my bags down, walked in the room again to dress them, and fixed myself a cup of tea. With loads of the special honey Sollux kept there for when he came over. 


	3. I Reminisce Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finish my story...0-0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so yay an update thanks for the kudos and such!

I didn't plan a murder, but I was planning to scare the mess out of them.

While they were still knocked out, I decided to see what my new gift could do. Or maybe the gift I'd always had. I focused on small stuffed animals from Sollux, lining them up by picturing, and feeling them move in my head. Then, I'd make them explode, and watch the stuffing slowly float down to the floor. By the time I got to the last one, a huge frog, as I'd grown attached to that animal as well, they woke up. At first, they didn't know where they were, but they remembered, as I floated the heads of the animals in the air around their heads. 

Feferi broke out in tears, saying the whole thing was 'Eridan's fault. While she was in hysterics, Sollux kept looking at me calmly. I swear it was like he already knew, about what I was doing I mean. He threw some clothes at Feferi, that I presumed belonged to her, who was still crying, and dressed hisself. After he did that, he got up and started packing a bag. I think using so much of my ability must have short circuited my brain, because I didn't do anything but watch.

"What are you doing?"

"Packing you a bag. You've gotta leave."

"I could kill you right now."

"But you won't."

"How do you know? I walk in here and you're having sex with the girl who's been drooling over you for years! In my bed! And now I have some freaky mind stuff going on, and you're certain I'm not going to kill you?!" I retaliated with making a stuffed animal hit him softly. I guess I overused it, because now my head felt like it would implode. 

"Because, if you really wanted to hurt me, you'd use one of your fossils, or fossil cases or something to hit me. Instead you're using the stuffed animals I gave you. If you wanted to kill me...you'd have already done it."   
At that time, I remember that one of most irritating things at that moment, was that his lisp was gone. I missed it. I missed him. We messed up. Reality came to me, as Feferi tripped over a stool, and scampered out the door.

"You better help me. She's going to go tell someone. And someone will believe her."  
I stood there, watching him stuff clothes and flashlights and things into my bag. He zipped it, and handed it to me. 

"Change your clothes. You've got something black don't you?"

"Why? And why are you so calm?!"

"People might recognize you, so..." He grabbed a hoodie off the floor, and tugged it over my head. Then grabbed a pair of black jeans, that were, thankfully, mine. He put them in my hand and stepped back.

"I'm not changing in front of you."

"I've seen you naked a million times over, Aradia. We don't have time for this!" I started to change, but kept an eye on him. 

"And how many times have you seen her naked?"

"Once."

"Yeah, right." 

When I was finished, he took me by the hand and led me out the door, and down the girls' dorm. I guess he didn't care if he got caught. We went down the back stairs, the ones no one went down, because they were taped off for construction.

"Sollux! Sollux, wait! We can't, we can't go down here!" I kept tugging on my hand, that he had a grip on only he could have. He turned his head around, and smiled.

"I thought you were the one that loved adventure?" With that, he practically pulled me into a run down the steps. All the time, I hated him. So much. He had just been touching her bare body with the same hands not more than an hour ago. He had been in my bed an hour ago, with her. He had been---

"Get out of your head, or you'll blow this entire place into confetti."

"What? How..." I didn't get to finish my sentence, as the sun blinded me. He slipped a wad of cash into my hands, a large one at that, kissed my cheek, and pushed me. Stumbling, I turned around to confront him. 

"Get on a bus, and go as far as you can. But don't go home! And I want my hoodie back. When I come get you, we'll talk then."

I started to walk over to him, but was held back. I looked down and saw red, blue, and purple lights around my legs. I looked up, he was smiling, sadly, and his eyes were red and blue. And there were lights dancing around his face. I didn't get to sightsee for long, as he willed me to leave. Across campus, and to the bus station. I didn't notice that the lights had left only minutes after I had left him. 

On the bus, I looked at the hoodie. It was one I bought him when he came back to our hometown when he went away for highschool. He didn't have a lot with him, so I bought him one on a whim. I looked to see how much money he gave me. $2000. In cash. And that was minus the bus fare. Not really fazed by the money, of course he'd gotten it from his little princess. But I was on my way home again, so I was fine. I slept all the way home.

A few days later, I returned home. But I never got a chance to go see anyone, when I was kidnapped, and taken here. Wherever here was. And I've been here ever since. That was about a year ago. 


	4. I Was Abducted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tell of my capture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few things. Im sorry I haven't been consistent with updates, but Ill talk about that soon. Until I have time to draw my versions of Aradia, Sollux, and all the others, I'll give you a brief description of her, Sollux, and Gamzee. Aradia is on the shorter side, long reddish brown hair, of Spanish and African American descent. Sollux is tall, lanky, Brown hair, mixed Korean. Gamzee is tall, large, but still kind of lanky, and African American with a Creole background. You can think of Gambit (xmen), except a dark complexion, and like...scary.   
> Ok so last thing, I am trying to find maybe someone to help keep me on track with updating, and to go over chapters with me before I post them. I am planning on making the chapters a lot longer eventually, as I have a big story to tell. So if anyone would be even slightly interested, could you leave a comment or something? Thanks. And sorryfor this too long chapter note.

When I first came to, I awoke to the sound of screaming. Horrid, soul shaking, screeching. I remember it made my skin crawl. I had been put in a cage, and I was tied up. There was nothing around besides the roof of the cage, the floor, the bars, and a lump in the corner. There were also several nauseating looking liquids spilled across the floor, but I decided not to think of that. 

That was the first time they drugged me. My body must have been fighting it, because I felt like I was on fire, and my head was pounding. I could move my body a bit. But it felt as though moving to the corner was like I was trying to mold water: impossible. 

I wasn't gagged, though at sometime I must've, because the corners of my mouth felt raw and tender. 

"Hello? Are you alive?" To be perfectly honest, I could have been talking to a bag, my vision was swimming and blurry. The lump moved, and grunts came from it as it sat up with its back to me.

"That all motherfuckin' depends on what you all would call alive, sister." The man turned around. He was dark skinned, his hair was a mess, tangled, thick, and choppy. His face was covered in red, what I correctly guessed was blood. I couldn't see much else, except for his eyes. They were cold, hard, and a bright purple. 

He stared at me for a while, before crawling over, and untying me. He was large, and tall even in his folded position. He smelled horrible, there was blood and oil on his hands, and his nails were solid yellow. I wasn't sure if he was entirely human, or not. 

He introduced himself as Gamzee, and told me he had been here since childhood. He told me that I wasn't the first to be thrown in here with him, but one of the few that he hadn't been instructed to kill.

"I'm not going to sugar coat things for you, sister. You would have been better off dead. If you've got any magic powers in that pretty, little head of yours,  I'd suggest you'd do yourself the favor of killing yourself."

"I can barely keep myself awake right now, let alone do anything. If I even could do it again. And besides, I'd never choose to kill myself."

He looked at me, and I thought I could see pity in his eyes. He shrugged and turned around. 

"Whatever you say, cher. You remind me of a good friend of mine. So, if you ever change your mind, I can make it quick for you." And with that he fell asleep, and I followed suit.

When I woke for the second time, another body was in the cage beside me. This time there was only a flickering desk light, when earlier had been brighter. The body beside me was shivering, and moving violently. I started to scoot closer, because I thought he was cold. A hand on my shoulder stopped me. 

"I wouldn't do that, if I was you. He's lost his mind." Gamzee's deep, gravelly voice filled the silence. 

Ignoring his warning, I got closer. When I did, hundreds of tiny, red eyes flashed at me. I screamed, and threw myself back. 

"Tavros over there, he can talk to all the little creatures, and they do more than listen. They obey whatever dark thoughts are floating in his head. That's what's going to happen to you, sister." His voice was sad, and remorseful. I assumed they were somehow close, before the poor thing changed.

I asked Gamzee what he knee of this place. 

"I don't rightly know. Me, Tavros, and another friend were bagged and thrown in here. They did several tests on us. I'm not all that smart. But Karkat, that brother told me. He said that we were taken because we're all kinds of special. Freaks of nature. These bastards are using us as their own fucking lab rats."

"What happened to him?"

"I don't know. He was too smart. I told him to stop, to just wait and see. He was goin' to escape and come back for us, he said. They caught him before he even put his plan in action. I haven't seen my little friend since. Only reason I know he's alive, is because I can still hear his screams in my head every night. Every night."

I didn't ask him what he meant. I don't think he would've told me anyway. I scooted away from Tavros, as a precaution. I bumped into Gamzee. But when I tried to move away, he just pulled me close, and told me we had to stick together. I fell asleep with his arm around me. 

I was horrified. 


	5. I Decide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decide my fate.

Hands. They were everywhere. Touching places that weren't to be touched. Touching places only one person had ever been. A person who betrayed me. A cheating, lying, unfaithful, backstabbing bastard.

My eyes opened with a burning snap. My face felt as though it was on fire, and not because of the three pairs of hands traveling around my body. 

When I tried to open my mouth to say stop, one of the men in white coats stopped rubbing me to slap me. 

"Gag her." My eyes followed the nasally voice, and I was met with the eyes of another man. He stood at the back of the white room, arms crossed, and his face covered with black shadows. I looked down, I was on a white bed, surrounded by the three men, who were removing my clothes. I was to be raped.

I screamed. I screamed, and screamed. They slapped, bit, and punched me in retaliation, all while laughing. I was in hysterics, I could feel my body flinging around, but I didn't have control. I tried reaching into my head for whatever magical thing I could to save me. All I felt was a heavy, dull pressure in my head. 

They tied me down with rags, and gagged me.

I was alone. I was helpless. They were going to rape me, and I had no way of fighting against them. I'd only had Sollux's gentle touch before, and no one was going to cater to my needs here. 

The clothes were torn off, first was Sollux's hoodie, which was thrown in a corner. Then my skirt, my underwear, my shirt, my bra. I was naked, tied down, facing up on a white bed, bright lights, minus the broken one Nasal Voice stood in. I felt like a lab animal. Like I was being dissected. 

I hated them. I hated how they looked at me. I hated how they chuckled, and licked their lips when I glared at them. I hated when their hands traveled down, and inside me. I hated their loveless kisses, filled with nothing but greed and lust. I hated when they thrusted themselves into me, and enjoyed my painful yells. I hated how they used me, like a doll. A broken one.

As what felt like hours went by, I stared at Sollux's jacket on the floor, and tried to focus on it. Not to make it move, but to keep from sobbing. 

After a while, I couldn't anymore. 

I closed my eyes, and let the sobs come out in muffles around one of the men. 

They broke me.

When they finished, they threw my soiled body back into the cage with Gamzee, and Tavros. Gamzee stayed huddled in the corner, but I saw his eyes looking between me, and the two men who threw me in. 

Nasal Voice spoke.  
"Don't worry, we put you on something, you don't have to worry about pregnancy."

That was the last thing on my mind, but the thought of having one of carrying one of their horrid children, was revolting.

One of the men caught Gamzee looking at me, and smiled.  
"You'll be using her too, pretty often it seems like. She's a feisty one."  
Another round of wicked laughter, and they left, taking the light with them, and leaving me with a growing repulsion. 

It was cold. They left me naked, and the cage was metal, and  covered in something wet.  I knew some of it was from the men, and what they had covered me in. But the coldness helped some of the places I knew would have bruises soon. Everywhere hurt, and was raw. 

Tavros was still in the same spot as he was earlier, but it seemed he was calmer now. 

I moved my eyes to look at Gamzee, who had been staring at me. Not in the way the men had, but in a more observative light. 

"When that time up and comes about, where they want me to touch you, I won't be able to say no."

"Why?"

"They'll bring me in that room again. And it's worse than death it's motherfuckin' self. I tried to kill myself, but the motherfuckin' cunts made it so I couldn't. I can't die until they tell me to."

"I--"

"So, do you still not want to die?"  
I take a second to process what he says. In a shaky, hoarse throat I don't recognize as my own, I answer.

"I'm going to live."

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the bad spelling and all the other errors you might come across!!! And for not being able to write these characters right!


End file.
